These little problems, they're not yours, they're mine

So there's this girl who works as the receptionist over at HR. I'd like to have the sex with her. (I tried to think of some more clever way to say that, but " I wanna show her my 'human resources'" sounded, well, fucking retarded.)

All the cool kids today have iPods. Now I want one so I can be cool too. Can I get one PLEEEEEEZE?!

This has got to be the slowest week in history. I can't believe it's only Wednesday when it feels like last Tuesday. I'm excited about my party. I hope it blows up like high school. Well, not my high school, because my high school was L-A-M-E. TV high school, then. Da-donka-donk-donk.

You know how, on "Star Trek" and shit, spaceships always come with self-destruct mechanisms (though I've never really understood why)? Wouldn't it be rad if people had those, complete with the chick computer voice going "Warning: this unit will self-destruct in 10...9...8..."? That'd be cool and it would give you a lot more time to get clear before they go BOOM!

I'm wondering how many people are going to show up at my little soiree either on coke or carrying. I'm betting at least two. I just hope they bring enough for the whole class.

Oh I forgot my favorite moment from the weekend. See, we've had this planter on our balcony for several months, the plant inside having shuffled off this mortal coil a long time ago. Since then, it's been serving mainly as an ashtray and a testament to me and the roommate's laziness. Anyway, Friday night, I'm enjoying a cigarette and ashing into Mr. Planter, when I turn to the roommate and say "Ya know, we should really throw this fucking thing out one of these days." No sooner had the words left my lips than buddy was out on the balcony like a shot, grabbing the planter and, in one smooth motion, whipping it off the balcony and into the winter air, where it hurtled into the alleyway behind our place, missed a parked car by a couple of feet, and shattered into a bizzilion pieces against the asphalt. Now, you probably had to be there (and drunk) to fully appreciate the hilarity, but the real moral of all this is: if you don't think throwing crap off balconies be funny, you are no friend of mine.

I just found out this thing has a spell check function. How long has it been there and how long have I been giving people the impression I'm a 'tard with my fucked up spelling and mangled syntax?